I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
