great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
