Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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