Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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