Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
