Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
