It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I woke up under a house in Key West
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