Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
