you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
