Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
