Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
