Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Randomize
