The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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