So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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