I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
