Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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