You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
