The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
