You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I miss vodka workout Fridays
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
