Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
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