I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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