you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
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The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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