How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
