Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize