You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
