Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
