and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
