Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
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