it's too hot outside to masturbate.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
