Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
