What a fucking waste of an outfit
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
