I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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