She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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