If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
