I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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