I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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