Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
