very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize