His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
