if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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