I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
