i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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