That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
