I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
