when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
