i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
