I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
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Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
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She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
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