I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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