They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
