I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
We were destined to go to rehab together
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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