i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
