Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
