Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
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I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
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I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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