Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
