Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
