I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
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I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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