Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
