I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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