chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
